People I Dislike: “Anyone Who Has Never Had a Blast Playing 15 Turns of Mario Party as an Adult”

　When it comes to describing the kind of person I dislike, “someone who has never had a blast playing 15 turns of Mario Party as an adult” feels about right. It could be the mini-game tournament in Pokémon Stadium or whatever, but Mario Party feels the most fitting for the reasons I’m about to explain.

　Playing Mario Party with four people requires a surprising amount of concentration. If you’re fighting over Stars for 15 turns, there’s more to think about than you’d expect, and you have to participate in a mini-game every single turn, desperately trying to win. The mental calories burned when you play Mario Party seriously are probably much higher than you’d imagine.

　You have to understand each mini-game in about 20 seconds without holding up the game, then give it everything you’ve got. Even during someone else’s turn, you watch their movements closely and do your best to get to the Star. You react to every little thing, getting ridiculously excited and cheering each other on.

　It’s more tiring than you’d think.

　By the middle of the game, you can usually tell roughly where everyone stands. Even if the people at the top are fighting it out, whoever is in last place is unlikely to move much. The person in last place isn’t particularly more likely to get picked for a Happening Star or some hidden-block-style comeback mechanic, either. So the person in last starts to lose interest a little. That’s when Mario Party becomes a form of social interaction.

　It’s not unusual for all four players to have at least a decent understanding of Mario Party. In my experience, though, there’s usually one or two people who have barely played through an entire Mario Party before. Individual mini-games are one thing, but when it comes to efficient play using the gimmicks on the map, people who have been playing since elementary school have a head start. Over 15 turns, that experience creates a pretty significant gap.

　So you give them little hints. Little hints, here and there, to keep things moving. “You should use Teresa.” “This is probably a good time to get another die.” There’s still a non-zero chance they can turn things around within a few turns. I want them to hold out for that miracle, however unlikely it may be.

　The players in first place offer just enough of a handicap without making it feel like favoritism. They share their knowledge and try to level the playing field. The players at the bottom play along too, joking about how badly they’re losing and making an effort to stay engaged. Their frustration becomes part of the entertainment.

　It sounds strangely serious when you put it into words, but everyone unconsciously follows the same basic principle: Well, we’re playing Mario Party, so we might as well have fun. The Mario Party screen is always incredibly cheerful. Mario and Yoshi are constantly having the time of their lives. These days, you sometimes get lineups with Goomba, Teresa, Spike, Shy Guy, and other less flowery members of the cast, but... Spike’s face seriously pisses me off!

　The fact that grown adults are willing to sacrifice a little over an hour just to sit glued to a screen together is already a pretty pleasant and harmonious situation. It’s proof that these are people you’re comfortable with. Spending an hour and a half with someone you aren’t particularly close to is painful. With people like that, you just play two or three rounds of Checkerboard Chase. and call it a day.

　First, you need a group of friends who has enough time and interest in games to play Mario Party together. Then you need four people who are willing to put down their phones and grab a controller so they can spend an hour and a half getting excited with their friends.Even if the person in last place occasionally gets discouraged, four people like that can make it through 15 chaotic turns, then grin at each other and laugh about how stupid the whole thing was. Ultimately, there’s no greater happiness than that.

　Four-player Mario Party. Other games have different conditions because the balance is harder to maintain.

　Adults who have truly had the fun beaten out of them can’t spend an hour playing a string of random mini-games. They start going crazy because they want to check their phones. They won’t collect coins while running from a Yoshi that has turned into an antlion. They certainly won’t retain that childlike ability to make it through 15 turns while still having fun, or that elementary-school sense of social responsibility that says, in its own way, When you’re playing a game, your job is to make it fun for everyone.

They lost it somewhere on the commuter train.

　So when you meet some annoying adult, try judging them by one simple standard: Could this person play 15 turns of Mario Party? Most of the time, rigid old men and women like that don’t play Mario Party. They play Tsum Tsum. They’re playing Tsum Tsum, those people. Or they play some huge game on Steam and write garbage reviews about how “this masterpiece boasts a level of quality comparable to a film,” then feel pleased with themselves. These people would never knock each other off colorful giant mushrooms!

　On the other hand, if you still want to find a way to like someone, try inviting them to play Mario Party. They’ll wander around the map without really understanding what’s happening, get unfairly robbed of their coins by Bowser Jr., and immediately fall into last place. Then quietly say: “Seems like you could make a comeback if you used Teresa. Too bad Teresa probably isn’t nearby, huh?” If they catch the hint, they’ll head toward Boo and regain their motivation with a new sense of hope. Then 15 turns pass. You get fired up during the Mini-Game Star and Happening Star announcements. If you can reach that point together, laughing and fooling around after having shared the same party, then you’re proper friends now.

　Lately, though, we’ve been saying, “Honestly, the party part is kind of a hassle, right?” and we just play the mini-game-only mode from the start. The mini-games are really fun...